After I retired, my wife insisted that I join her on her trips to Myer. Unfortunately, as is common with many men, I found shopping dull and preferred to get in and out quickly. Equally unfortunate, my wife, like many women, enjoys browsing. Just yesterday, my dear wife received a letter from the local Myer, which stated the following:
Dear Mrs. Samuel,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samuel, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.
- June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people’s carts when they weren’t looking.
- July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Homewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
- July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women’s restroom.
- July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, ‘Code 3 in Homewares. Get on it right away.’ This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her supervisor, which in turn resulted in a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.
- August 14: Moved a ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.
- August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him, he began crying and screamed, ‘Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’ Emergency Medical Technicians were called.
- September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
- October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ‘Mission Impossible’ theme.
- October 18: Hid in a clothing rack, and when people browsed through, yelled ‘PICK ME! PICK ME.’
- October 21: When an announcement came over the loudspeaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed ‘OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!’
- And last, but certainly not least:
- October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while, then yelled very loudly, ‘Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here.’ One of the clerks passed out.
