Dear Woosy – My poo-smearing friend

Dear Woosy,

I have a problem. My “friend”, let’s call him “Luke”, recently visited my house. I was very excited to see him, had a very nice time, and was honestly sad to see him leave. You can imagine my suprise and horror, however, when I checked in the guest bathroom after his departure and realized that it had been smeared wall to wall with poo.

I guess what I’m asking is: Do you think Luke ‘likes me’ likes me? Or does he just like me? And if I think I like him back, how should I proceed considering the poo incident?

Woosy says – Smearing poo all over someone’s wall can really send mixed signals. On the one hand, it might be a desperate cry for attention: “Love me! Look at my poo!” On the other hand, it could be a sign of intense disrespect: “I hate you! Look at my poo!” Interpreting the message all depends on the quantity and intensity of the poo smears.

If the smears appear to have been carefully and gently applied, perhaps in long, swooping curves, it’s probably a good sign. It’s even better if the poo is smeared into shapes, such as hearts and rainbows and unicorns. A lovingly smeared poo is certain to convey a message of admiration and, perhaps, adoration.

Contrarily, if the poo smears seem violent and angry—in short, slashing strokes—it’s not looking good for the possibility of romance. Poo that has simply been spread quickly on a wall with abandon, having been given little care for even dispersement and symmetrical presentation, is generally intended to convey a message of dislike. Even in this case, however, you need not necessarily take it personally. Perhaps he was simply offended by the pink stucco and bunny-rabbit trim in your bathroom.


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