Who should really have the next World Cup

Could I offer my own view on how to choose the next World Cup country to host the finals?

The committee (FIFA) may have finally decided on the criteria, no not cafeteria, for countries to achieve so they may be able to hold the World Cup Finals.

Lots and lots of sand. NO alcohol to be consumed anywhere in the country.

A long tradition of soccer and at least one premier league side and possible ten others to make up a division. Knowledge of the rules of the game, and at least one referee who can remember the rules, and not need glasses. A hearing impediment would help, as his parentage and personal habits could be questioned by the fans during the games. Ability to speak Japanese and practice Kung Fu will help control the players.

One or even two stadiums in which to play the games. A minimum temperature of more than 95 degrees at midnight, and air conditioning in every tent.

Suitable camel transport from the airport to the hotel. The hotel should be within 200 miles of the stadium.  The exchange rate, will be the key to being accepted into the final selection of countries to be vetted by long holiday visits undertaken by our committee members. Security is paramount; protection of officials has to be a priority, players and fans must take their own precautions. Transport and flights should be up to FIFA standards. At least one flight a week, and limousines for officials and tut-tuts for players. The Italian team will not be allowed to time waste or feign injuries and diving as an Olympic sport is banned. The finals must not be played in South America again until 3010.

Also Asia cannot have the finals until they lose at ping pong and squash. Only Zimbabwe and Israel are allowed on the understanding they must talk to all the other teams. And Ireland must agree to interpreters for all their players.

Only when all the criteria are met can we expect a fair unbiased choice for future decisions on who will be next to hold the finals.  Australia will receive special consideration due to their past performances at the World Cup. Fair play, generous in defeat, great stadiums known for imbibing non alcoholic libations when warm. Friendly, welcoming, except if arriving by boat, and of course hot weather and sandy beaches.

So if you are expecting a fair go…don’t for goodness sake apply to hold the world cup!

Imagine the Ashes being selected by FIFA…semi final Australia will play Yemen and England will play Spitsbergan and the final will be Brazil versus Argentina.

Oh get me a cold one I’m going to lie down and dream of WACA or is it WAGA or DAGA or BAGA why can’t our grounds have better names like Paradise Park Ocean View, Barons Court, Earls Cross , Dukes Head, Princes Risboro.

It’s alright matron I am taking the medicine.



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