May I present my perspective on the selection process for the next World Cup host country?
The committee (FIFA) appears to have finally established criteria, not related to a cafeteria, that countries must fulfill in order to host the World Cup Finals.
An abundance of sand is essential. There must be a strict prohibition on alcohol consumption throughout the country.
A rich history in soccer is required, inclusive of at least one premier league team, with the potential for ten additional teams to form a division. It’s important that the rules of the game are well understood, along with having at least one referee who not only remembers the rules but also doesn’t need glasses. A hearing impairment could be beneficial, as fans may scrutinize his background and personal habits during matches. Proficiency in Japanese and knowledge of Kung Fu will assist in managing the players.
One or two stadiums must be available for the matches. The minimum temperature should exceed 95 degrees at midnight, and air conditioning must be present in every tent.
Camel transportation from the airport to the hotel is necessary, with the hotel located within a 200-mile radius of the stadium. The exchange rate will play a crucial role in determining eligibility for the final selection of countries, which will undergo thorough evaluation through extended holiday visits by our committee members. Security is of utmost importance; ensuring the safety of officials is a top priority, while players and fans will need to be vigilant about their own safety. Transport and flight arrangements should meet FIFA standards, including at least one flight per week, luxury cars for officials, and tuk-tuks for players. The Italian team will face restrictions against time-wasting during play, and diving as an Olympic event will be prohibited. The finals cannot return to South America until the year 3010.
Furthermore, Asia will not host the finals until they lose in ping pong and squash competitions. Only Zimbabwe and Israel will be allowed participation, provided they engage in dialogue with all other teams. Ireland must ensure interpreters are available for all their players.
Only upon fulfilling these criteria can we anticipate a fair and impartial selection for future hosts of the finals. Australia will be given special consideration due to their previous World Cup performances. Fair play, graciousness in defeat, impressive stadiums known for serving non-alcoholic beverages in warm conditions, and a friendly atmosphere—except for those arriving by boat—are all vital factors, along with warm weather and beautiful sandy beaches.
So, if you are hoping for an equitable chance… for goodness’ sake, don’t apply to host the World Cup!
Imagine if FIFA were to decide the Ashes… In the semi-final, Australia would take on Yemen, with England facing Spitsbergan, leading to a final between Brazil and Argentina.
Someone get me a cold drink; I’m going to lie down and dream about WACA or was it WAGA or DAGA or BAGA? Why can’t our stadiums have more appealing names like Paradise Park Ocean View, Barons Court, Earls Cross, Dukes Head, and Princes Risboro?
It’s alright, matron, I am taking my medicine.
By TOG
