The Champions League

I am often asked why soccer is not more popular in Australia.

Also why are there not more Ozzie players in the Champion League finals. It is easy to answer these questions.

To Australians, sport means sportsmanship. If we have to learn to cheat and dive to play a sport, it would be the end of most games in Australia.

Imagine cricketers or rugby players diving if the ball comes too close. Ozzie rules players pretending fake injuries. No it is impossible to contemplate.

In the first of the semi finals of the Champions League Chelsea played a Spanish team. Now it is the tradition for Chelsea captains to retaliate to divers and actors.

The Barkalot striker deliberately fell down under a tackle. The result was a free kick and yellow card. So as expected when the spanish striker lurked in the Chelsea box.

The Chelsea captain kicked him up the arse. Tradition maintained, the captain then passed the arm band to his midfielder to replace him as captain. As expected of Barkalot as soon as the game commenced after half time, another dive in the box and a penalty given and another yellow card for Chelsea.

Soon after the diving spaniard moved back towards the halfway line, and straight away the Chelsea captain delivered a two footed crunching tackle.

Tradition maintained but unfortunately the captain only received a yellow card and not the red card. The game continued with dramatic acting abilities ,and superb one handed pleading to the referee, a few more dives and the game ended. The final score yellow cards six to four against Chelsea, red cards one nil to Chelsea.

The blues will now play in the final.

The second semi final was the Spanish against the Germans.

Sureal Madrid have the very best actor in world soccer, Ronnie didnot disappoint. His wonderful full stretch dives, his agonising facial displays when the ref waves him away, are a gift. He will I am sure win an Oscar one day.

At one point a crowd around the ref , had to retire waving the hands in disbelief. They said no one speaks Russian and could not understand what he was saying.

This is true because the referee is not Russian.

What the Spaniard said was, “He called me a dumkoff”. The ref denied he said it, but thought it was probably true.

The Germans asked what a dumkoff was, as they didn’t speak Russian.

The Madrid manager said he would rather play Munching glad bags than Munikes Dyhnamoes.

At the end of the game the teams could not be seperated. Equal in yellow cards and the points scored for acting too close to call.

It was time for the dreaded penalty shoot out.

Soccer players are paid thousands of dollars a minute…just to kick a ball. Surely these stars, playing for a cup final place, could kick a ball 12 yards.

Without being allowed to throw themselves on the ground or claim a foul tackle, temperment takes over…and the great and the very rich missed the chance of final fame.

The Germans will play England in Germany for the title of best  in show.

Keep the Oscars handy.

by Stam Ford-Pont


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