As the Ashes approach in the old country, the English are attempting to disrupt Australia’s game by spreading the series across three different formats of cricket… also permitting the ladies to claim victory in the Ashes.
This would not be permitted in India.
The remarkable fast bowler Bunged Itin would certainly not be inclined to bowl at a pretty lady. Perhaps he could be tempted by an ugly one, but that is out of the question. A tall blonde woman in a bikini bowling to our esteemed batsman, Ima Slogger, might just distract him, leading to a few lost wickets.
Colin Slattery the elder, leading the Indian Cricket Council with his capable team of relatives, will swiftly reject this idea. It may be acceptable for countries like England, who have long endured the dominance of the formidable Thatcher, to amend the rules and allow women to participate at Lords or Trent Bridge. However, in strong Australia, our women favor surfing and tennis over the thrill of facing spirited ball-swinging spinners.
I have wagered my ten rupees on Australia to deliver a clean sweep against the Pohms. Today’s most common dish in England is a curry. Be cautious, as you may be served this potent meal. With England’s notorious high winds, the curry could cause the loss of wickets.
Allegedly, the current England team comprises five South Africans, three Scots, and two Welsh dragons. Their reserves include four limeys.
The last player hails from Kickupdasbottles, a village in India that I’ve not even visited. Rumor has it that villagers gamble with tigers, and the loser gets devoured. Those from this village are remarkably tough. The name of this cricket player who can outpace a tiger is: “He who runs faster than the curried wind”… in Indian, he is known as Bungedup Sittdown. More updates will come as the matches unfold… weather permitting.
I’m already on my way to the Oval. The phrase “Port out and starboard home” has turned me into quite the posh sailor. Prisoners Of Her Majesty, or PHMs as they’re referred to, are busy arranging their elephants for a cross-country race to Portsmouth. They claim it rains in England more than during the wet season in India.
It’s been said that washing up in the River Thames is more fortunate than doing so in the Ganges. We’ll wash up there to secure lucky legs for our first tests.
It’s quite unfortunate that our adopted Indian batsman, Mr. Big Sixes Ponting, will not be able to bring his bat along.
A note to the editor – my English has improved significantly since relocating to Kalgoolies. My sampan has only sunk twice. Yes, I was bitten by sharks, but I managed to save my chapattis. The Swan River is pleasantly warm this time of year, and it’s not a long journey from Fremantle to Perth. Locals suggested I could stroll to Kalgoolies as it isn’t too far. Eleven days later and my poor sandals were worn down to nothing.
I’ll provide reports from London before and during the commencement of the Ashes. Time to purchase sturdy boots for the journey. Please send rupees to my secret Swiss account.
By Rahndi Ghit
