In the build-up to the Ashes in the old country, the English are trying to put Australia off their game by spreading the match over three different varieties of cricket…by also allowing the ladies to win the Ashes.
In India this would not be allowed.
The tremendous fast bowler Bunged Itin could not be bowling at a pretty lady. Perhaps an ugly one would tempt him but it is not allowed. A tall blonde lady in a bikini bowling to our very fine great batsman, Ima Slogger would probably distract him and we will lose a few wickets.
The Indian Cricket Council headed by Colin Slattery the elder and his fine team of relatives will dismiss this suggestion. It is alright for countries like England, with years of submission to the mighty Thatcher, to change the rules and allow women to play Lords or Trent Bridge. But here in mighty Australia, our ladies prefer surfing and tennis to being bowled over by swarthy ball swinging spinners.
I have had my ten rupees on Australia to give a white washing to the Pohms. The food most eaten in the England is now a curry. Beware they do not give you this potent dish. Blighty is well known for its high winds, and with curry, you could loose wickets.
The England team is now allegedly made up of five South Africans, three Scots and two Welsh dragons. They do have four limeys in the reserves.
The final player is from Kickupdasbottles, which is a village in a part of India even I have never been to. They say the villagers play dice with tigers and the loser gets eaten. They are very tough from this village. The name of this tiger beating cricketer is: “He who runs faster than the curried wind”…his name translated into Indian is Bungedup Sittdown. There’ll be more reporting when the games begin…subject to heavy rain.
My boat is already leaving for the Oval. Port out and starboard home is making me a posh sailor.
Prisoners Of Her Majesty, or PHM’s as they are known, are already booking their elephants for a cross country race to Portsmouth. They say it rains more in England than India in the wet season.
Washing up in the River Thames is apparently more lucky than washing up in the Ganges. We will wash up there to get the lucky legs for the first tests.
A great shame our Indian batsman (we adopted him for his big hits) Mr big sixes Ponting will not be carry his bat.
Message to the editor – my English is getting much better now I moved to Kalgoolies. My sampan only sank twice. Struck by sharks, but I saved my chapatti’s. The Swan River is warm at this time of year and it’s not far from Fremantle to Perth. Locals told me I could walk to Kalgoolies as it is not too far. Eleven days and my poor sandals were worn down to my feet.
I will report from London before and during the Ashes commence. I need to buy big boots for the trip.
Send rupees to my secret account in Switzerland.
By Rahndi Ghit