Without a shadow of doubt or a moment’s hesitation, I can confidently state that the gas company to which I pay my bill…is nothing more than a steaming mound of excrement, deserving only of utter and complete obliteration; your customer “services” make waiting in a Post Office queue on pension day appear dazzlingly swift in comparison.
The lady and gentleman I spoke with were certainly pleasant enough, particularly after the 15-minute wait it took to reach them each time. Regarding your automated, “I’m sorry you’re still waiting” message, I can only assume it was crafted by someone with shares in Prozac, because it’s clear that an automated message expressing apologies doesn’t convey a genuine concern; it merely highlights your indifference while you prioritize additional profits for your shareholders via a clandestine monopoly (do you have any idea how much a skilled accountant familiar with tax avoidance schemes costs?). A bit more investment in hiring a few extra minimum wage employees to enhance customer service might be more beneficial than this approach.
I was informed that I hold more than $400 in credit. Great, I have repeatedly requested that as soon as my account balances reach $150, you reimburse me, as I would prefer having my money in my account rather than yours, where it undoubtedly sits with all the other unfortunate souls using your services, generating interest for you, you thieving bastards.
“I’m sorry about that, Jim,” said the representative (Jim? Seriously…Jim? Excuse me, have we engaged in any kind of intimate relations? …No? …then it’s Mr. Aborwhear!).
I should have been informed that due to the switch to your billing system, refunds will only be processed after I’ve submitted a meter reading for the quarter. FINE…I’ll head home, traipse to the side of my house where you have so conveniently placed the meters, shift the bins, grab a flashlight, and take a note. Tell me, how much do you actually save by discontinuing the employment of meter readers? Because I haven’t noticed any reduction in my bills.
Upon returning home, I did just that, called again, and waited for yet another 15 minutes (refer to the first paragraph) before connecting with Craig from Northern Ireland, who must certainly be related to the Rev Ian Paisley (he referred to me as Mr. Aborwhear, which was a relief…see above). After reading him my meter readings, I was put on hold for another 10 minutes before he returned to explain that their computer system was down, but he would send the bill to my email, and I should receive it within the next 15 minutes or so…
