Here are OUR rules:
Please note… all are intentionally numbered “1”!
1. Breasts exist for our admiration, and that’s why we look. Don’t try to change that.
1. Master the toilet seat. You’re a grown woman. If it’s up, put it down. We prefer it up, you prefer it down. You don’t hear us complaining when you leave it down.
1. Saturday equals sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing tides. Just accept it.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. No, we will never see it that way.
1. Crying is a form of blackmail.
1. Be direct about what you want. Let’s clarify this:
* Subtle hints are ineffective!
* Strong hints do not convey the message!
* Obvious hints don’t work either!
* JUST SAY IT!
1. ‘Yes’ and ‘No’ are totally acceptable responses to nearly every question.
1. Approach us with a problem only if you seek a solution. That’s our role. Sympathy is what friends are for.
1. A headache lasting 17 months is a health concern. Please see a doctor.
1. Anything said six months ago cannot be used in an argument. Actually, all comments lose relevance after seven days.
1. If you believe you’re overweight, you likely are. Please don’t ask us.
1. If something we’ve said can be understood in two ways, and one of them upsets you, we intended the other interpretation.
1. You can either request us to do something or instruct us on how you want it done, not both. If you know best how to handle it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, say what you need to say during the commercial breaks.
1. Christopher Columbus didn’t need directions, and neither do we.
1. ALL men perceive only 16 colors, similar to Windows default settings. For example, peach is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We are clueless about mauve.
1. If it itches, it gets scratched. It’s just how we are.
1. If we ask what’s wrong and you reply “nothing,” we will behave as though nothing is wrong. We know you’re not truthful, but it’s not worth the trouble.
1. If you pose a question you’re not ready for an answer to, be prepared for a response you may not want to hear.
1. When it’s time to go out, anything you choose to wear is acceptable. Really.
1. Avoid asking us what we’re thinking, unless you’re ready to discuss subjects like:
* Sex,
* Sports,
* Cars,
* or Computers.
1. You have enough clothing.
1. You possess too many pairs of shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round is indeed a shape.
1. Thanks for taking the time to read this. Yes, I know I’ll be on the couch tonight, but did you realize that men genuinely don’t mind? It’s akin to camping.
