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Was Posh going to a funeral?

Hours spent in make-up, a reservation for a spray-tan booth at Harrods, and the unfortunate hair extraction of a poor Indian woman sacrificing her sleek straight locks for extensions.

The moment had arrived, and Victoria Beckham certainly did not let us down.

For the catwalk event that was yesterday’s royal wedding, she donned a navy boat-neck dress of her own ‘design’ (which meant she hastily wrapped some fabric around her petite frame weeks prior and proclaimed, ‘Um, yeah!’), featuring a charming scooped asymmetric hem and short sleeves, topped off with a quirky pillbox hat by Philip Treacy. This ensemble was more fitting for a funeral than a wedding.

Her very elevated shoes, custom-crafted by Christian Louboutin at a price exceeding $2,000, posed similar risks to her unborn fourth child as smoking 20 Capstan Full Strength.

The large envelope clutch bag she carried, also by VB, crafted from lizard skin, might have cost more than both the royal reception and the honeymoon combined.

Her bare twiglet legs gleamed as much as the royal wedding machinery, while her make-up was wildly unsuitable for such a formal occasion: excessively applied blusher made her face appear even more gaunt, and her eyes were smudged and inky.

David Beckham showcased Ralph Lauren from head to toe, a designer representing English style through a waspish American lens, just as fake as Victoria’s hair and her fashion designer credentials. Why opted David against a struggling Savile Row tailor? Notably, his quiff (I observed he didn’t once don his top hat, likely fearing a helmet-hair scenario) reminded me of Ricky Gervais.

What truly frustrates about this couple is their apparent fashion savoir-faire and dandyism serve as a facade, leaving them a mere step away from parody and bordering on tackiness.

I’m unsure if it’s fashionable to sport your OBE on your jacket, but I suspect it will become a trend now. He clearly takes pride in it, so in a sense…kudos to him.

Perhaps Victoria’s muted outfit reflected her mood, considering an apparent disagreement between the two on their way to the Abbey.

While a spokesperson for the Beckhams claimed that the row reports were ‘nonsense and silly gossip’, lip-reading expert Camilla Kennedy suggested about Victoria, ‘She did not appear happy, and when David was delayed by someone chatting, she seemed irritated.

‘He caught up with her to discuss what was said but she interrupted him saying, “I can’t really talk about it now.”’

Similar to other guests, the Beckhams opted to contribute to the couple’s wedding charity in lieu of a traditional gift.

Following the ceremony, the couple issued a statement that read, ‘It truly is remarkable. Our country needs it. Our country desires it. The British public adores the royal family. I was raised around the royal family and instilled with a love for them through my granddad and nan.’

‘We wish Catherine and William abundant love and joy for their future.’

Recently, Beckham shared insights on the anticipation leading to the wedding, admitting that the couple felt somewhat anxious about being part of such a significant occasion.

He stated, ‘We are immensely proud of our Royal family and feel excited to be invited. Victoria is a bit concerned as she will be further along in her pregnancy by then.’

Film director Guy Ritchie, who happens to be related to Kate Middleton, arrived with his pregnant girlfriend Jacqui Ainsley, and engaged in conversation with the Beckhams as they awaited seating inside the Abbey.

Isn’t it astonishing that…someone who is genuinely related to the newlyweds received an invite to the wedding?

And I assure you, I’m not mocking, truly. But, is it just me or are hats beginning to resemble small satellite dishes?

by Robbo Green

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