Was Posh going to a funeral?

Many hours in make-up, a block booking of a spray-tan booth in Harrods, the scalping of some poor Indian woman forced to give up her sleek straight head of hair to provide the extensions.

The moment was upon us, and Victoria Beckham did not disappoint.

For the catwalk that was yesterday’s royal wedding, she wore a boat-necked navy dress of her own ‘design’ (meaning she wrapped some fabric around her tiny frame a few weeks ago and said, ‘Um, yeah!’) with a pretty, scooped asymmetric hem and short sleeves, and a jaunty pillbox titfer by Philip Treacy. The effect was more suitable for a funeral than a wedding.

Her very high shoes, custom-made by Christian Louboutin and costing well over $2,000, were surely as hazardous to her unborn fourth child as smoking 20 Capstan Full Strength.

Her large envelope clutch bag, too, was by VB, made from lizard skin and possibly costing more than the royal reception and honeymoon together.

Her bare twiglet legs were as well-oiled as the royal wedding machine itself, while her make-up was wildly inappropriate for such a formal day occasion: far too much blusher, which made her face even more gaunt than normal, and smudged, inky eyes.

David Beckham was dressed head to toe in Ralph Lauren, a designer who does English style through the prism of waspish Americanism, every bit as fake as Victoria’s hair and pedigree as a fashion designer. Why did David not choose a struggling British tailor from Savile Row? His quiff (I noticed he did not once wear his top hat, fearing helmet-hair no doubt) was reminiscent of Ricky Gervais.

What really galls about this couple is that their sartorial savoir faire, their dandyism, is a smokescreen, meaning they are a mere wisp away from parody and tipping into tacky.

I don’t know if it’s trendy to wear your OBE on your jacket, but I’m sure it will be now. But he’s obviously very proud of it…so in a way…good on him.

Perhaps Victoria’s sombre outfit was appropriate to her mood, given an apparent tiff between the pair on their way into the Abbey.

Although a spokesman for the Beckhams said reports of a row were ‘nonsense and silly gossip’, lip-reading expert Camilla Kennedy said of Victoria, ‘She did not look in a good mood and when David got waylaid by someone chatting she looked cross.

‘He caught her up to tell her what was said but she cut him short saying, “I can’t really talk about it now”.’

Like other guests the Beckhams contributed to the couple’s wedding charity rather than offering a gift.

After the ceremony, the couple released a statement which read, ‘It really is amazing. Our country needs it. Our country wants it. The British public love the royal family. I was brought up around the royal family and around loving the royal family with my granddad, with my nan.”

‘We wish Catherine and William much love and happiness for the future.’

Beckham spoke recently about the build-up to the wedding, admitting the couple were feeling a little nervous about being part of such a massive event.

He said, ‘We are very proud of our Royal family and to be invited to it, we are both excited. Victoria is a little bit worried because she will be a few more months pregnant by then.’

Film director Guy Ritchie, who is actually related to Kate Middleton, arrived with his pregnant girlfriend Jacqui Ainsley, and enjoyed a chat with the Beckhams as they waited to be seated inside the Abbey.


Amazing that…someone who’s actually related to the newlyweds who was invited to the wedding.

And I’m not taking the piss, really I’m not. But, is it me or are hats starting to look like small satelite dishes?

by Robbo Green


Join our mailing list to receive the latest news directly in your email inbox.