Tuesday, September 22, 2020
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Gardener trims a pair of bollocks

Ian Ashmeade has been forced to reshape his garden hedge after a member of the public complained that it was offensive.

Mr Ashmeade admits the phallic-shaped hedge was a bit naughty, but says it has always been a source of much amusement in the village.

But officers from Cambridgeshire police took a different view this week after a member of the public complained and ordered Mr Ashmeade to prune the offending foliage or face an £80 fine for public order.

Mr Ashmeade of Haddenham near Chatteris, who was recently crowned ‘world pea-shooting champion’ at the annual tournament in Witcham, first pruned the offending hedge into the shape of a phallus in 2002 after he noticed that the natural growth of the plant had started to form a similar shape.

The hedge, which had been planted on Mr Ashmeade’s drive in Linden Way, has stood proudly for eight years before the complaint this week which prompted police to act.

“A policeman came around to my house and told my wife that someone had complained about the topiary and that if I didn’t do something I would be facing an £80 fine, Mr Ashmeade said.

“The topiary was in its pruned state for more than eight years. Why somebody has taken offence to it now I can’t understand. I think it is very sad.”

Mr Ashmeade was on a cycling tour of Norfolk at the weekend when his wife rang to say the policeman had called. On his return he decided to get pruning and the hedge is now shaped like a pea shooter to commemorate his recent championship win.

A spokesman for Cambridgeshire police said: “Officers received a complaint from a member of the public regarding the shape of a shrub. Officers went round at the weekend and asked the man to change its shape or he would be fined for a public order offence.”

Mr Ashmeade re-cut the bush into the shape of a peashooter. He was unavailable for comment.

Ed
I am the editor I am an editor Don't know what I want but I know how to get it I wanna destroy a burger and fries

6 COMMENTS

  1. I have a problem. My bush has become really overgrown and I need a man to trim it for me. Unfortunately I am not skilled at trimming my own bush, perhaps because I find it hard to concentrate for the length of time it takes to trim it into shape. Usually I am not short of volunteers to attend to my bush, but for some reason, this year I am having a problem finding anyone willing to get their hands dirty and re-shape my overgrown bush to see it through until next Spring.

    Naturally trimming my bush is a job I want done very well so that it looks nice for anyone I decide to show it off to. To clip a bush requires patience and effort if the end result is to be fashionable, and last year my Brazilian Bush was the envy of all of my friends and Neighbours. Of course as the bush begins to grow back it can become quite bristly, but regular clips can keep this under control with minimum effort.

    • Hey Tilly, I know what you mean. An important tip is never to try and trim your bush when it’s wet. A wet bush can be very hard to trim, as well as being quite dangerous if you are using an electrical set of clippers to tidy it up. I have experienced many weeping bushes, and now realise it is far better to let a man tackle this problem, and they usually enjoy every minute of it and take a pride in ensuring each bush is a beauty to behold. My extra special tip is to try to have a fragrant bush, as men far prefer to trim these than any old neglected bush they have thrust in their faces demanding a haircut.

      • Hi BB, thanks for the advice. My best friend has a fantastic pair of balls which are truly breathtaking. They need regular trimming too, but the end results are well worth the effort involved, and I have even helped him on occasion as they are small enough that I find them easy to work on. In return he has helped me to keep my bush under control, and he always does a great job on it. The last time he trimmed my bush my boyfriend was so impressed that he recommended him to help with a work colleague’s Japanese box. It was a bit of a maze, but he found his way through it, and sorted out her bush perfectly. Sadly he has moved away now, so I am left with my bush getting completely out of control, and of course I no longer have access to his balls either.

        • Tilly, If you truly love your relationship with your bush, and see getting it trimmed as a form of recreation, then make sure the man you entrust with the serious job of trimming your bush is not going to become too scissor happy. One thing you need to realise is that if he clips it too much you will end up with a naked bush, which although it will make less mess everywhere, can still end up looking like a plucked chicken and will grow back bristly and possibly unattractive. Over-trimming may also cause your bush to grow back thicker than ever, which creates more work the next time it needs attention, plus your male helper may not be able to see where he is going in order to satisfy your demanding requirements.

          And remember, a happy bush is one that gets attention frequently, and receives enough moisture to keep it in tip top shape. Don’t be embarassed to ask your man to talk to your bush, your bush will thrive off any oral interaction and will no doubt perk up alot after such an intimate encounter.

  2. If any males reading this are available to help me sort out my bush I would be very grateful, as this year I seem to be struggling to find volunteers. This could be because my bush caught a nasty disease last year, and anyone who handled it seem to end up itching, or they took the disease home and passed it on to their wife’s bushes. I can reassure you that this problem has now been solved and my bush is perfectly healthy again since it was sprayed, (if somewhat overgrown).

    Thank you for any help you are willing to give me to tackle my rampant bush.

Comments are closed.

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