For a week, Tommy is on holiday, and I, his mum, am writing his column.
Residing on the top floor of an apartment block, I have two dogs that bolt out of the front door and into the lift as soon as it opens. I often find myself racing down the stairs, only to discover that one of the other tenants has already captured them, showering them with affection. It feels like some sort of great escape or even Colditz. Just last week, I caught the older dog attempting to construct a glider, while the younger terrier was busy digging a tunnel beneath the bed in the spare room. In an effort to deter them, I attached a battery to a fly-wire, but it proved ineffective. The older one leapt over, and the younger one managed to scale the frame, whimpering, “ouch, ouch” in dog language.
Tommy shared with me Claude (lucky legs) Dupris’ secret Melbourne Cup tip and insisted I keep it confidential. I couldn’t resist calling my eldest sister to share the horse’s name, urging her to keep it discreet.
The following day, I received a call from my doctor, inquiring if I wanted a tip for the Cup, revealing that my sister had sold him the secret and advised me not to disclose it. Soon after, I learned that half the medical professionals in Belgium were in on the information. My sister has a knack for keeping secrets… for instance, she didn’t inform her German nanny that the war had ended until 1955. The nanny, concealed behind the bookcase in the front room, was told that the Russians would take away her bus pass if they invaded. Oh, I nearly forgot to mention the horse’s name is ‘Winchester’… not the cathedral.
I headed down to the showroom to put a deposit on a new car, yet Tommy suggested I place some money on the horse instead. He’s ordering a Bentley and recommended I opt for a Fiat 500. The last time he encountered a winning horse was when Ben Hur triumphed at the chariot races.
Now onto this week’s news – Justin Timberlake splashed out millions for his wedding. I advised against going to Italy, as it’s far more affordable in Sydney. Did you spot his wife in the photos? She appeared quite forlorn… perhaps due to the hefty bill for her share of the wedding.
Julia Gillard accused Tony Abbott of misogyny, which explains his apparent disdain for her. Tommy questioned her relationship with a Greek guy, but I mused that misogyny likely has Polish origins… they enjoy incorporating many y’s in names. Soccer is an amusing sport; a match starts with eleven players, and it’s a race to see who’s the first to get sent off. This season, every week the referee has ruined the experience for all the spectators.
It is with immense sorrow that I announce the decline of tennis in Australia. Once, the finest players hailed from Darwin or Scarborough… sometimes even Melbourne or Sydney. But where have they all disappeared to?
Let’s not worry about the Olympics or motorcycle racing; the government should support tennis.
Within schools, our Prime Minister intends for us to teach our children Mandarin. Instead of oranges, let’s encourage them to play tennis.
I have to go now; there’s been a knock at the door, and believe it or not, the eldest dog has learned how to unlock it. They must be down playing pool by now. Tommy will return next week with either a new car or riding a bike.
My sister is planning to visit, so I’ll need to stow away the booze and cancel the racing papers.
Before I forget, I had a delightful chat with a girl at the Commonwealth Bank, who was dispensing mortgage advice.
Life in Europe is far more challenging. Germany possesses all the wealth, so without firing a single shot, they now control Greece, Italy, Spain, Portugal, and parts of Ireland. France is aligning with Germany, thinking they have a degree of control, but I recall Vichy. Most of the UK’s industries have already been sold to the Huns.
I truly hope the Dockers perform well next year. They could sign Emily Heskey; he’s scoring goals every game and won’t cost much.
Having covered finance and sport, I hope Tommy will ask me to write for him again next Cup day.
Much love to all of Tommy’s readers – from mum.
A late news flash – Claude’s horse in the Cup attempted an escape to rendezvous with a filly. However, upon returning and trying to climb back over the fence to the stables, he injured a hock.
Claude mentioned that he is now switching his car order from a Bentley to a Fiat 500.
