Search
Close this search box.
Ozzie News
Search
Close this search box.

Secret Tommy Cooper jokes found and published

This year, Tommy Cooper would have celebrated his 90th birthday, and he often created the illusion of complete disorder during his performances.

His seemingly disastrous magic tricks, however, were actually the results of careful planning. Although he had affiliation with the magic circle, a mistake during one of his tricks led to uncontrollable laughter from the audience, transforming it into his signature routine… intentionally misperforming tricks.

Over many years, Cooper amassed an extensive collection of jokes, exceeding one million, organized in alphabetized files that spanned every imaginable subject, ranging from ‘absent-minded’ to ‘zoo’.

Now, 27 years post his passing, a selection of Cooper’s hidden humor archives has finally been released.

To be honest, when read in text format, they might seem quite terrible, and he had far wittier jokes than the examples given… but picture them being delivered in Cooper’s unique voice… a sound he likened to ‘combing a wire-haired terrier against the grain’.

So, enjoy the trip down memory lane… reminisce… or if he’s a new name to you… go seek him out… he’s absurdly funny, especially after a few drinks.

My wife expressed a desire to attend the ballet. I replied: ‘I’m not keen on watching people in long underwear balancing on their toes.’ She said: ‘You don’t need to worry. Just wear your tuxedo.’

I usually speak plainly, until the other night when I inadvertently stepped on a spade in the dark.

I adore bathing beauties; however, the irony is that I never actually bathe any.

She’s perpetually cheerful. She’s the only woman I know whose teeth are sunburnt.

Here’s a quick giggle. Try this tomorrow: Walk into an antique store and yell: ‘What’s new?’

My wife has impeccable aim; I’ve got her missing me down to an art!

A dying old man summoned his nephew to his side. He declared: ‘I am leaving you my entire fortune.’ The nephew responded: ‘Thanks, Uncle. What may I do for you?’ He replied: ‘Remove your foot from my oxygen tubing.’

Each time she drives out the car, she returns with the same inquiry: ‘Guess who I encountered.’

When the nurse informed my mother that she had an eight-pound bundle of joy, her response was: ‘Thank heavens, the laundry’s back!’

When I requested her to whisper those three little words that would elevate my spirits, she said: ‘Sure . . . go hang yourself.’

(As Sherlock Holmes) I declare, Watson, this is indeed a very grave situation — the window is fractured on either side.

A dog recently took a bite out of my leg. A friend asked: ‘Did you apply anything to it?’ I replied: ‘No, he preferred it as it was.’

My wife is really into DIY projects. Whenever I ask her to fix something, she retorts: ‘Oh, do it yourself!’

My wife handles her own decoration, but she tends to overdo things. Just the other day, I opened the fridge and found a lampshade on the lightbulb.

I once swam across the English Channel. ‘But many have crossed the Channel.’ Longways, though?

I had a fantastic dream last night. Brigitte Bardot approached me and said: ‘I’ll grant you three wishes. Now, what are your other two?’

A drunk was taken to a police station. He slammed his fist on the counter and demanded: ‘Why was I arrested?’ The sergeant replied: ‘You were brought in for drinking.’ He responded: ‘Oh, that’s perfectly fine, then. Let’s get started!’

I always choose a seat at the back of a plane. It’s significantly safer. You never hear of a plane reversing into a mountain!

In Las Vegas, they betEverywhere I went, I stopped by a drugstore to grab an aspirin, and the girl at the counter said: ‘I’ll toss you, double or nothing.’ I lost the bet. I left with two headaches.

There was a sign on a Scottish golf course that read: ‘Members will please refrain from picking up lost balls until they have stopped rolling!’

When I told the shop girl: ‘I want to buy a hat,’ she asked: ‘Fedora?’ I replied: ‘No, for myself!’

I’m recovering from a cold and am so filled with penicillin that if I sneeze, I might end up curing someone.

I once knew a hypochondriac who refused to visit the Dead Sea until he discovered what it died from!

He’s so miserly that he has varicose veins in his knuckles.

She continues to play the piano by ear . . . but sometimes her earrings get in the way.

In ancient times, when knights were courageous, the king asked his knight: ‘What have you been doing today?’ The knight responded: ‘I have been robbing and pillaging on your behalf, burning the villages of your enemies in the north.’ The King replied: ‘But I don’t have any enemies in the north.’ The knight said: ‘I’m afraid you do now.’

This guy gifted his wife a burial plot for her birthday. The next year, when he got her nothing, she complained. He replied: ‘What are you complaining about? You didn’t utilize the gift I gave you last year!’

A piano tuner was summoned to a nightclub to adjust the piano. He worked on it for five hours but only charged £3. The manager asked: ‘Is that all? How come you worked for five hours and only charge £3?’ He said: ‘What?’

As a child, I visited a psychiatrist for an aptitude test. He placed a pitchfork, a wrench, and a hammer on the desk and told the nurse: ‘If he grabs the pitchfork, he will become a farmer. If he takes the wrench, he will be a mechanic, and if he chooses the hammer, he will be a carpenter.’ I ended up grabbing the nurse!

The town was so boring that one day the tide went out and never returned.

A man entered a bar holding a chicken under one arm and a crocodile under the other. The barman asked, ‘What’ll you have?’ He responded: ‘A whisky and soda.’ Then the crocodile chimed in, saying: ‘I’ll have a gin and tonic.’ The barman was amazed and said: ‘That’s incredible. I’ve never seen a talking crocodile before.’ The man replied: ‘He can’t. The chicken is a ventriloquist.’

People gain new knowledge every day. Just today, my wife discovered that a car cannot climb a telephone pole.

She was so stunning that when I took her home in a taxi, I could barely keep my eyes on the meter!

Getting us kids to eat olives wasn’t an easy task. I initially had to start with Martinis!

I came from a very poor family with five children. We all shared the same bed. In fact, I never slept alone until I got married.

A leopard visited a psychiatrist, saying: ‘Every time I look at my wife, I see spots before my eyes.’ The psychiatrist replied: ‘That’s only natural.’ The leopard added: ‘But, doctor, she’s a zebra.’

Once, I painted a girl in the nude, and I nearly froze to death.

by Robbo Green

Newsletter

Join our mailing list to receive the latest news directly in your email inbox.