Yeeeehaaaaaaa! How are ya? It’s me, Buford Balony. My ex-girlfriend, Harpo is comin’ to Australia very soon.
Now the name Harpo might not sound like a feminine name, but let me tell ya, she was very, very feminine.
She sure is a wonderful person. Hell, she used to work in the grocer shop in Nashville years ago. I know this because just outside Nashville there was a good spot for shootin racoons, squirrels and other helpless critters.
I used to go and get an apple and take it with me when I go shootin’. It’s kind of lucky…I don’t know why, but it just is. A bit like you Australians who never take a banana on a boat when you go fishing.
Listen up, I would talk to Harpo every morning while when I was buying my apple, and she became a bit enfatuated with yours truly…..no not my boy, Cleedus! Shit, he weren’t even born yet. No, I mean she was taking a fancy to me, Buford Balony. And why not…I’m the best looking fella in the deep south. I won ‘Man With Most Teeth’ in my home town for two years running.
Anyway, me and Harpo went out one evening together for a drink. And it was a nice quiet little old pub and we got chatting, and it wasn’t long before she was holding my hand.
This was of course before I got the walts.
We were havin such a good time that we completely lost our inhibitions and shit…we got so drunk together. It may have been because we were nervous because we were both quite young. Well, we went back to my place and she was real keen to get…you know…naked, and stuff. She started to take off her blouse, and it was a beautiful blouse. She then took her bra off and threw it outside my bedroom window…and let me tell you…that is probably one of the biggest bra I have ever seen.
Then she sat on the bed with her bouncing titties in full view. This got me…quite exited…and I had been desperate to go to toilet ages ago. Well, with all the drink and all, I sort of, did an accident in my big Y-fronts. Harpo started cursing at me, and I ran out of that place so fast, you couldn’t see me for dust.
You see, she is such a good person and she is good to others…she didn’t deserve a person like me. She helps others and when she comes to Australia, she’s paying for a load of her friends to come with her…ain’t that generous.
She’s even given cars away to complete strangers. Of course, she ain’t workin’ in the grocer shop now, she has a lot of money.
Talkin’ of Harpo, that reminds me…I shot this really fat hog last week, and then I shoved my apple straight in its mouth and Mama cooked him up a treat.
There’s something about my wife when she’s cooking. She’s so beautiful. Long hair that goes all down her back…none on her head…see, once she got a bit too close to the flames when she was cookin up some skunk, which is quite ironic, really…coz she now looks a bit like a skunk, herself.
As I’ve said before, I got me a satelite TV and I’ve been watching the AFL play-offs and it’s been really exiting stuff. It’s just a shame that the AFL couldn’t be represented in the 100m Bolt race in Sydney. I mean, heaven forbid what might happen if they run 100m…Jumpin’Jehosafat!
Maybe the ground was too tough for their little ol’ AFL (Absolutely Fucked Legs).
Anyway, it don’t matter, coz the rugby boys would’ve beaten them anyway.
I’ve got to go, Cleedus, my son, is learning to swim in the river and I’ve gotta see if he doesn’t die, like he almost did last week. He was strugglin’ to stay afloat and he grabbed for a piece of floating wood, except that it wasn’t a piece of wood…it was an alligator.
I shot that alligator so many times…shit..I got so into shootin’ that I almost forgot that poor old Cleedus was still sinking.
Don’t worry, I saved him…but not before I got that reptile on dry land first.
Mama made me a nice pair of shoes and a lovely belt and there was plenty of meat for everyone.
I hear you Aussies luuurve your meat. That’s good, because the one thing that I can’t stand is the vegetarians…uurrrgh! It just ain’t natural to be going through life without any meat inside your colon.
Anyways, I gotta go…so until next time my Australian cousins…Yeeeeehhaaaaaa!
by Buford Balony