Yeeeehaaaaaaa! How’s it going? It’s Buford Balony here. My ex-girlfriend, Harpo, will be arriving in Australia very shortly.
Now, you might think the name Harpo isn’t feminine, but trust me, she was extremely feminine.
What a wonderful person she is! Many years ago, she worked in a grocery store in Nashville. I know this because just outside Nashville was an excellent place to shoot raccoons, squirrels, and all sorts of helpless animals.
Whenever I went shooting, I’d grab an apple to take along with me. For some reason, it always seemed lucky… I can’t explain why; it just is. Much like how you Australians never take bananas on a boat while fishing.
Let me tell you, every morning while I was buying my apple, I used to chat with Harpo, and she got a little infatuated with me…no, not my boy Cleedus! Hell, he wasn’t even born back then. No, I mean she fancied me, Buford Balony. And why wouldn’t she? I’m quite the handsome fella in the deep South. I won the title of ‘Man With Most Teeth’ in my hometown for two consecutive years.
Anyway, one evening, Harpo and I went out for a drink. We found a quiet little pub, started talking, and before long, she was holding my hand.
This was, of course, before I got the walts.
We were having such a grand time that we lost our inhibitions completely and ended up getting really drunk together. Maybe it was because we were so young and felt nervous 
. So, we headed back to my place, and she was really eager to get… you know… naked, and everything. She began to remove her blouse, which was lovely. Then she tossed her bra out my bedroom window… and let me tell you… that was the largest bra I have ever seen!
After that, she sat on the bed, her bouncing titties right in front of me. This got me a bit… excited… and let me tell you, I had been needing to use the toilet for a while. With all the drinks I had, I ended up having an accident in my big Y-fronts. Harpo started cursing at me, and I bolted out of there faster than a flash.
You see, she’s such a great person and treats everyone well… she didn’t deserve someone like me. She’s always helping others, and when she comes to Australia, she’s footing the bill for a bunch of her friends to join her… isn’t that generous?
She’s even given away cars to total strangers. Of course, she doesn’t work at the grocery store anymore; she’s got plenty of money now.
Speaking of Harpo, I remember… I shot a really fat hog last week, stuffed my apple straight into its mouth, and Mama whipped up a delightful meal.
There’s something so captivating about Mama when she’s cooking. She’s beautiful with long hair cascading down her back… though not on her head anymore… you see, she once got a little too close to the flames while preparing some skunk. Ironically, she now resembles a skunk herself.
As I’ve mentioned before, I got myself satellite TV, and I’ve been watching the AFL playoffs, which have been incredibly exciting. It’s a pity AFL couldn’t participate in the 100m Bolt race in Sydney. Can you imagine what might happen if they ran 100m? Jumpin’ Jehosafat!
Maybe the ground was just too tough for their little ol’ AFL (Absolutely Fucked Legs).
But it’s whatever, because the rugby boys would’ve beaten them anyway.
I need to head out now; Cleedus, my son, is learning to swim in the river, and I’ve got to ensure he stays safe—like he almost didn’t last week. He was struggling to stay afloat and reached for what he thought was a piece of floating wood, but it turned out to be an alligator.
I shot that alligator so many times… man… I got so caught up in shooting that I nearly forgot about poor Cleedus sinking.
Don’t worry, I saved him… just before I got that reptile on dry land.
Mama made me a fine pair of shoes and a nice belt from it, plus plenty of meat for everyone.
I hear you Aussies love your meat! That’s great, because the one thing I can’t stand is vegetarians… uuurrrgh! Living life without any meat in your colon just ain’t natural.
Anyways, I need to take off… so until we meet again, my Australian cousins… Yeeeeehhaaaaaa!
by Buford Balony
