To my millions of devoted fans, I’m back home. Your award-winning sports writer has returned to Australia.
Having spent the last few years in Alabama, I wondered where in Oz I could find the most in-bred, two-headed, teeth-missing folks (aside from Tassie) and rednecks. The only answer was Collie WA. I’m planning to hunt all the critters in the bush there. I’ve returned for about three months now, but they just released my son Cleedus from quarantine last week. Currently, he can’t stop licking himself and sniffing around, but he should outgrow it soon since I need him to replace the dead squirrels on the fence so I can shoot them again.
You can count on my award-winning writing to keep you informed about all the key sports events happening globally. If your sport doesn’t get mentioned, it must not be noteworthy. And if you don’t appreciate what I write, tough luck because you’re not an award-winning sports writer.
To all my loyal and dedicated fans, I look forward to catching up with you at one of the numerous events I cover. If you happen to see Cleedus or me there, feel free to buy us a beer or a bourbon.
Here are some tips on how to make some cash. Send all checks to Ozzie News c/o Buford if you’d like to contribute some of your winnings.
NRL
Champions – Wests Tigers
Wooden Spoon – Cronulla Sharks
State of Origin
NSW to break the origin drought
AFL
Champions – Who gives a damn
Wooden Spoon – West Coast Eagles
Super 15
Champions – Crusaders
Top Aussie Team – Western Force
Rugby World Cup
Champions – Australia
Chokers – New Zealand
FA Cup
Arsenal
Daniel Ricciardo to win an F1 race this season
Eddie McGuire to develop a speech impediment and finally be quiet
Dennis Cometti and Mark Beretta to actually have some knowledge about sports
Ricky Ponting’s second head to regenerate and he gets a 50
Several St Kilda players to come out
Timana Tahu to stop complaining; oops, that will never occur
