These days, violent relationships are becoming alarmingly frequent. Ed Sheeran finds himself in one…with his guitars.
The artist confesses to “kicking the shit” out of them and remarks that all his guitars are male.
He stated: “I have a strong affection for many of my guitars. They’re all boy guitars and I possess 11 of them.
“The rationale for labeling them as boy guitars is evident; they’re covered in sweat, cracked, bruised, broken, dirty, and I genuinely kick the shit out of them every night.
“If I were to designate a guitar as female, that would be pretty messed up, man.
“Who would you choose to assault? A woman or a man? I’m implying a man.”
In reality, Ed, we’d all prefer to take on a ginger cunt who goes on about battling with his guitars… acoustic guitars at that. Plus, you give off such a soft ‘cow-of-a-man’ vibe that I reckon one of your guitars could take you down without any help.
After assigning genders to his guitars, of course, he has named each one, too.
Ed mentioned: “I’ve got James the second, Trevor, Keith, Lloyd, Nigel, Cyril, and Felix.
“It initially began with rather awkward names like Lloyd, but now I name them after my crew.
“My lighting technician is named James, and the guitar named James broke, so now I have James the second; my guitar tech is called Trevor.”
Fortunately, he hasn’t resorted to purchasing special attire for his guitars… but I suggest he invests in some hair dye from the salon… anything to fix that hair of yours.
Ed, you don’t, or rather can’t, compose a song that’s good enough to stir any kind of emotion, whether violent or otherwise.
So, maybe just stop talking about… well… everything, really.
by Wallace McTavish
