Violent relationships are becoming all too common these days. Ed Sheeran is in one…with his guitars.
The singer admits he “kicks the shit” out of them, and claims they are all male.
He said: “I love many of my guitars. My guitars are boy guitars and I’ve got 11 of them.
“The reason they are boy guitars, if you look at them, they are covered in sweat, they are all cracked and bruised and broken, dirty and I literally kick the shit out of them every night.
“If I was to call a guitar a girl, that’s pretty messed up, man.
“Who would you rather beat? A woman or a man? I’m saying a man.”
Actually Ed, we’d all rather beat up a ginger cunt who harps on about fighting with his guitars…acoustic guitars at that. Also, you look such a soft ‘cow-of-a-man’, that I reckon one of your guitars could beat you up un-aided.
After giving his guitars a gender, naturally they’ve all been given names, too.
Ed said: “I’ve got James the second, I’ve got Trevor, I’ve got Keith, I’ve got Lloyd, I’ve got Nigel, Cyril and Felix.
“It started off with really awkward names like Lloyd, but now I name them after my team.
“My lighting guy was called James and the guitar James broke so now I’ve got James the second, my guitar check is called Trevor.”
Thankfully he’s stopped short of buying them special guitar clothes…but I recommend that he buys some hair colour from the hairdressers…something…anything to sort your fucking hair out.
Ed, you don’t, or rather can’t, write a song that’s good enough to evoke any kind of emotion, be it violent or otherwise.
So shut-up about…well…everything, really.
by Wallace McTavish