Why is it that no matter where you find yourself working, even if you leap between jobs three times in a single year, the office is consistently filled with the same peculiar personalities?
You’ll encounter the creepy lothario, a lady with an absurd laugh, and a gentleman convinced that donning a bow-tie makes him irresistibly witty and unique. And that’s merely the beginning. Below is my guide to the various types of women found in the office…
THE SERIAL DIETER
This woman is one to avoid; she scorns ‘empty calories’ and scrunches her face in disgust if she sees anyone indulging in anything other than sushi or fruit. She may look underweight, yet she pouts in the ladies’ loo and exclaims, ‘Oh my fat stomach is so disgusting’. You have to agree with her. If she continues, buy oversized joke underwear from Poundland and say, ‘These were found in the gym, do they belong to you?’
THE SALAD DODGER
She places a few apples on her desk to feign innocence, then makes her escape at 12:30 (she can’t hold off any longer) to indulge in junk food. Leave an open box of chocolates on your desk and enjoy watching her suffer from intense cravings and self-reproach. Delicious.
THE POSH TOTTY
Although this woman’s name was quite respectable on her birth certificate, she claims she couldn’t pronounce it as a child, resulting in a silly nickname like Libby (for Elizabeth) or JoJo (for Joanna). This trend of name-absurdity seems to occur frequently in public relations.
THE BRIDE BRAIN
Select a desk as far from this unfortunate lady as possible. With a year to plan her wedding, she simply reads bridal magazines while her colleagues shoulder the workload. That is unless she’s busy crying because a pricey cake-maker can’t create cupcakes in the shapes of handbags.
THE GLAMOUR SNOB
She sizes you up and remarks: ‘I used to have a dress like that, approximately ten years ago.’ Bring a Matalan carrier bag to work and enjoy observing the pity written on her face. Then inform her: ‘You’ve gained weight and it really complements you.’
THE AGEING SEDUCTRESS
This poor woman genuinely believes she’s still 21. She will enter a lift full of women, poised to press the buttons, and cheekily ask: ‘So… are we going all the way ladies? Hahahaha!’ Her fashion sense is questionable—think sunglasses worn indoors and an abundance of leopardskin.
As the inexperienced intern walks by, she calls out, ‘hello handsome’, greets male colleagues with kisses after their week off, and leaves a cloud of overpowering perfume in her wake.
THE SNEAK
Should you take a sick day, this reptilian character (often sporting glasses as thick as a paving slab) will hunt down the boss, stating, ‘Is Mary ill? How dreadful, it must have been that party she attended last night. Oh dear, did I say something I shouldn’t have?’
THE MOANER
As they walk through the door, prepare for an exaggerated sigh followed by: ‘I can’t endure much more of this’, even if it’s merely 10:15 am. They grumble incessantly about feeling unappreciated and scowl for an eternity, yet make no efforts to seek out a new role.
THE SMOKER
This individual takes a cigarette break every hour, thereby contributing one-third less work than her peers. It’s not the nicotine she craves—it’s simply an easygoing lifestyle.
TINY TEARS
A woman nearing 30 is frequently discovered sobbing in the restroom every morning, lamenting the absence of a call from the man she loves. ‘No one will ever love meeee,’ she weeps. And indeed, they might not if she continues this way.
THE HYPOCHONDRIAC
Avoid asking: ‘How are you?’ as you will be subjected to a grotesque account of some ghastly and gynecological condition.
THE BORE
This woman speaks as if unveiling the mysteries of the universe when she’s actually just recounting her sister’s new life in Australia (who likely moved away to escape her monotonous sibling). Women under 50 who are bores enjoy growing their own vegetables and will delight in informing you of the 38 methods for cleaning Venetian blinds. ‘So the first way…’. Zzzzz.
by Susan Floyd
