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Will you live in his house, or your house?

In the past, the man would typically propose, but for those in their 40s, romantic relationships are seldom straightforward due to complications from previous experiences.

You may call me a cynic, but in today’s world, when a woman falls deeply in love with a great man, many struggle to consider marriage. The reason behind this hesitation often stems from painful break-ups that leave women feeling deeply distrustful. However, I don’t want to close myself off from the possibility of meeting someone who could be The One.

Keeping this perspective in mind, the conversation about managing a life together without marriage becomes even more intricate. Questions arise: would we live in his place, mine, or find a new home together?

If we choose to embark on a new journey together, would we purchase a property or rent? Would we keep our individual homes as escapes? In case of a breakup, who would handle the mortgage or rent? And how might we resolve claims against each other after a prolonged period of living together?

Ultimately, how is this arrangement any less risky than marriage?

These practical—and perhaps even detached—conversations hardly evoke a fairy-tale ending.

As a child, I never imagined that growing up would lead to meeting a charming prince, signing a cohabitation agreement, and living happily ever after (or, in the alternative, parting ways amicably without making claims on each other’s assets).

What I longed for was a true fairy tale, like any other girl. A handsome prince would kneel, and we would ride off into the sunset. Unfortunately, like many women today, I channeled all my efforts into my career, and the right man didn’t materialize.

As a result, many women find themselves at age 40, burdened with significant emotional and financial baggage, encountering men in their late 30s and 40s who have their own issues.

Together, these couples have more than enough baggage to fill a lost luggage center.

With no dependents involved, is it fair to insist that you cover his expenses or share half the value of my home?

When your partner installs a shelf in my home, I admit a tiny voice whispers in my mind, questioning whether these home improvements hold any legal weight.

Do you find yourself anxious if he leaves a toothbrush in my bathroom or a pair of socks in a drawer? This relates to how ambiguous property laws are regarding claims after someone has resided in your house.

If I sound paranoid, I acknowledge that I am. My risk aversion has increased significantly, and I become ever less open to walking off into the sunset with someone who doesn’t match my financial situation and hasn’t agreed—preferably in writing—not to take anything from me in the event of a breakup.

Like many women in their 40s who still dream of marriage, I feel I have too much at stake to pursue it.

Prenuptial agreements are still relatively new and not fully legally binding, though courts are starting to recognize their importance. Cohabitation seems safer in some ways…but is it truly?

Stories emerge regularly about men seeking significant settlements from their ex-wives. In an era when women married in their 20s, they had everything to gain and little to lose. A good marriage benefited women before careers became common.

For today’s independent women, marriage may pose risks rather than rewards.

More women are achieving financial independence than ever before. Statistics indicate that women aged 22 to 29 who are employed are now earning 3.6 percent more than their male counterparts.average per hour than men of the same age.

This indicates that there exists a generation of women who might be facing greater financial losses than gains through marriage. Our hard-earned independence is beginning to feel like a romantic burden.

The essential point is this…with nearly half of marriages ending in divorce, tying the knot resembles a 50-50 wager on everything you have achieved.

Demand that you maintain separate finances for your own assurance, and strive to retain your individual homes while either purchasing or renting a new place to reside together. But how can one navigate the practical aspects of this?

My inquiry takes me to Steve Kirwan from Nowell Meller solicitors, who chairs the cohabitation committee of the national legal advice organization, Resolution.

He initiated drafting ‘co-hab’ agreements for couples opting against marriage two decades ago. Countless couples still labor under the misconception that ‘common-law’ marriage exists, which is entirely false.

As a result, the law remains vague regarding ownership in cases of cohabitation.

It’s a double-edged sword: for a woman who has cohabited with a man for 40 years as if she is his wife, it could mean she has no claim to any financial support should he decide to leave. Meanwhile, for a City professional who permits his girlfriend to move in for a few years, it might lead her to assert that she has a claim to a share in his luxurious apartment.

Unlike marriage, there are no legal frameworks on which to rely when cohabitating. People are essentially improvising their arrangements.

‘It’s a complicated situation. The longer these partnerships endure, the more challenging it becomes to provide proof regarding financial contributions made decades earlier,’ notes Mr. Kirwin.

He asserts that all unmarried couples purchasing a property together should establish a cohabitation agreement because without such a document, they will have no control over the distribution of shared assets, which is typically divided equally – even if one partner has contributed substantially more than the other.

Richard Collins, a divorce solicitor at Charles Russell, observes: ‘There has been an uptick in cohabitation agreements recently. I’m currently drafting my third one this year; previously, I handled only one or two annually.’

‘Individuals seek to shield themselves. A man might wish for his girlfriend to move in but is apprehensive about her asserting a claim to the property if they venture to IKEA together.’

While pre-nuptial agreements can be contested in court and need to be deemed ‘reasonable’, a cohabitation agreement serves as a clear contract and can include any stipulations.

It can encompass extensive details, even down to who retains possession of the dinnerware.

Mr. Collins elaborates: ‘If you purchase a gift for your partner, does that constitute a contribution to the house? If you tend to the lawn, does that grant you a claim to the property? If you acquire 12 plates, who gets to keep them?’

Such agreements can also address future children and even determine custody of pets. Personally, I envision a straightforward contract that outlines what each of us brings in and what we can take out, with me retaining ownership of the dog!

I can’t help but wonder, might this approach pose a risk in itself, potentially decreasing the chances of a relationship thriving because we haven’t made a significant leap of faith? Can one truly keep everything separate while protecting oneself from potential heartbreak?

Once the ink is dry on any agreements, it will come down to just the two of you…and the timeless essence of love.

by Susan Floyd

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