Do you notice you take on a specific role in each relationship you engage in? Perhaps you enjoy being with men whom you can care for, reminding them to eat their vegetables and to dress warmly? Or maybe you’re the passionate type who is attracted to relationships characterized by intense arguments…and passionate reconciliations?
The reality is that many of us adopt defined roles in our relationships, often without being aware of it. While we might like to believe that every relationship is distinct, experts have recognized six different ‘couple types’ that we tend to fall into.
Whether you and your partner fit the ‘Cat and Dog’ category, relishing the thrill of a good argument, or belong to the stable ‘Grown Ups’, whose relationship thrives on sensibility and drama-free interactions, psychologists assert that recognizing our couple type…or the type we aspire to be…is crucial for a fulfilling relationship, helping us comprehend both our needs and those of our partner.
The couple dynamics we find ourselves in are significantly shaped by our experiences during childhood. Relationship counselor Val Sampson notes, ‘Often, when entering a new relationship, we perceive it as a blank slate, convincing ourselves, “I’ll approach this my way.”’
‘However, as children, we absorb our surroundings like sponges…it’s inevitable that we internalize our parents’ behaviors and the events within our family.’
Frequently, we replicate the roles modeled by our parents. Therefore, if you observed your father cherishing your mother, you might expect similar treatment in your own relationships.
Conversely, if your parents enjoyed a robust partnership founded on respect, love, and effective communication, you will naturally pursue similar values as an adult.
Recognizing the influences that shape our couple type could also aid in breaking negative patterns we find ourselves repeating.
So, which couple type are you? What implications does it hold for your relationship?
Cat And Dog – As implied by the name, this couple is in constant conflict, both privately and publicly.
‘They might be yelling at each other right in front of you, and you might wonder: “Why don’t you just break up?” They’ll look at you in disbelief and reply: “Are you crazy?”’ states psychotherapist Avi Shmueli.
This type of couple is often attracted to the cycle of arguing and reconciling (often highlighted by passionate intimacy).
‘However, if one partner commits infidelity or acts in a way that undermines trust, things can spiral into a nightmarish situation,’ warns relationship psychologist Susan Quilliam. ‘Their arguments are driven by insecurities, and a breakup could turn messy.’
The Thrill Of The Chase – Also identified as the pursuer/distancer couple, this dynamic often features one partner pursuing the other, seeking their attention and affection.
‘One partner acts as if they are uninterested while the other revels in the thrill of the chase,’ explains Susan Quilliam.
‘Frequently, couples alternate between the roles of pursuer and distancer. Whenever one feels the other is pulling away, they will swap roles.
‘The underlying fear that drives this couple is the anxiety of being perceived as needy.’
Although they may seem to lead a thrilling life, they can develop a reliance on each other.
Parent And Child – ‘I have three children … including the one I’m married to!’ a parent might humorously say.
This dynamic often involves one partner feeling responsible for looking after the other, whom they perceive as less competent. ‘You might catch them saying to their partner: “We’re leaving soon. Have you put on your coat?”’ observes Val Sampson.
Such patterns frequently emerge after a couple has children but may also manifest whenWhen one partner experiences vulnerability—such as during illness or job loss—it can set the stage for specific dynamics within a couple. Sometimes, this dynamic is present from the beginning.
Susan Quilliam observes, “The partner in a caregiving role feels a sense of purpose in looking after the other.” Conversely, “The partner receiving care may struggle with self-esteem or be a highly competent individual seeking respite—like a chief executive who marries a homemaker.”
The partner seeking care might feel constrained. Quilliam notes, “Parenting encompasses not just nurturing but also control.”
Idol And Fan – ‘For this couple, everything appears in stark contrasts,’ remarks Quilliam. ‘One person embodies all that is good, while the other adores them immensely.’
In reality, both individuals may be successful, yet one may choose to play the worshipper role to enhance the other’s self-worth. Occasionally, the idol may reinforce the fan’s feelings of inferiority, suggesting they’ll struggle to find another who loves them.
Due to the lack of personal growth opportunities, this type of relationship can be fleeting.
Quilliam states, “The idol is likely to have multiple brief encounters with different fans.” They might adopt an attitude of: “You don’t value me, so I’ll seek someone who does.”
Babes In The Wood – This couple appears to share everything…from tastes to hobbies to clothing.
Susan Quilliam describes them as “two people who see great similarities in one another and find comfort in that.”
This pattern is often seen in new relationships or with partners who may feel insecure, perhaps due to past hurts, making security appealing.
Often, Babes In The Wood are characterized as very close friends with a cohesive exterior.
However, their intense focus on each other often creates barriers to outside connections, including friendships and, at times, children. Their sexual life may also be affected.
Quilliam notes, “They lack the spark that ignites passion.”
“Other couples may seek reassurance through intimacy, but this couple already finds security in abundance.”
The Grown Ups – This relationship is characterized by two mature individuals comfortable with their differences and generally uninterested in conflict.
“They exhibit sensibility and willingness to compromise,” Quilliam explains. While this might sound appealing, caution is warranted.
“This relationship does not engage in heightened emotional experiences. There’s a lack of spontaneity and minimal challenges,” adds Quilliam.
“Consequently, these individuals may never confront their darker sides, resulting in a relationship that may lack a certain vitality.”
by Susan Floyd