Bedtime ought to be a delightful moment in the daily routine of any happy couple — a time when they shut the door to the outside world, snuggle together for a treasured moment of intimacy, and gently drift off into a restful night’s sleep.
This is the idealized view of how it should be. However, in reality, sharing a bed often turns into a battleground filled with irritability, clashing sleep cycles, and unspoken grievances.
One partner prefers a cold bedroom, while the other enjoys warmth. One snores loudly, akin to a bear, while the other grinds their teeth throughout the night. One is a night owl, while the other rises early. The list of potential conflicts appears endless.
It’s no surprise that an increasing number of couples are opting for separate beds — and frequently separate rooms. Their marriages remain happy, and their intimate life is quite fulfilling; they’ve simply realized that the key to achieving a good night’s sleep does not involve sharing a mattress and duvet with their partner.
For Debbie and James Clayden, cuddling together in the bridal suite on their wedding night last August marked the first time in several years they had been in the same bed.
Upon returning from their two-week honeymoon in Kenya, Debbie and James, both 29, resumed sleeping in separate bedrooms at their home in Adelaide. According to the actress Debbie and mechanical engineer James, their relationship has benefitted from sleeping apart.
‘Our sex life is healthy. We can make love anywhere and anytime the mood strikes, and moving sex out of the marital bed adds an element of excitement,’ shares Debbie. ‘When we do share a bed, it’s typically in James’s room. We enjoy cuddling and chatting afterward, and then I go back to my own room.’
James has Rapid Eye Movement (REM) sleep behavior disorder, meaning he acts out his dreams while asleep. Debbie explains, ‘Initially, we shared a bed, but it became unbearable. I suffer from a bad back that flares up without regular movement, but when I turned over, I would disturb James, and he would hit or kick out at me.
‘James was constantly exhausted during the day, so I encouraged him to consult our GP. A specialist later diagnosed him with REM sleep behavior disorder and prescribed a tranquilizer to help him sleep more soundly.’ While the medication proved helpful, James still tends to thrash about in bed when he’s had a long day or is under stress.
He shares, ‘I remain somewhat restless during sleep. Without Debbie shifting around next to me, I find I can sleep more soundly.’ Friends have expressed to the Claydens that it’s unusual for a married couple to not share a bed, and James admits, ‘If someone had told me ten years ago that I would end up sleeping apart from my wife, I would have found it odd. Yet, our marriage is incredibly happy and fulfilling in every way.’
Denise Knowles, a relationship counselor for the charity Relate, notes that she encounters many more couples opting to sleep separately these days compared to the past. She links this trend to the rise in shift work, but also suggests that sharing a bedroom often becomes a source of marital strife.
‘Couples tend to discuss their issues at bedtime, and this can ignite a disagreement. One partner might decide to avoid finishing the day in this manner by retreating to a separate room,’ she explains.
However, Denise emphasizes that separate sleeping arrangements don’t need to hinder a couple’s sexual life: ‘For some couples, it can boost desire as it’s reminiscent of dating. Making love in one partner’s bedroom and then returning to their own to sleep can be exhilarating.
‘Moreover, if your partner’s sleeping habits leave you feeling sleep-deprived, it’s bound to hinder a fulfilling sexual relationship. Having separate bedrooms and enjoying quality sleep may lead to greater physical closeness.’ Nevertheless, Denise cautions that sleeping apart can potentially create a rift in the relationship.rest. As such, sleeping apart can be beneficial for some couples, ensuring they both wake up rested and ready for the day ahead.’
However, couples who are already facing relationship difficulties may want to reconsider the implications of turning their bedroom into a personal sanctuary that excludes their partner. ‘Designating your bedroom as off-limits to your partner can be detrimental to your relationship,’ one expert warns.
For instance, the living arrangement of Shelley Harrison, 35, and Alex Olejnic, 39, from Sydney has proven effective for their five-year partnership. They
have maintained separate bedrooms for over two years. According to Shelley, who works as an accounts manager, ‘Choosing to sleep apart has been the best decision for us. I’ve never found it comfortable to rest next to someone — sleeping alone feels much more natural for me. When we used to share a bed, Alex and I were constantly tossing and turning. That can be quite frustrating, especially when you need to rise early for work.’
Shelley elaborates, ‘Alex typically heads to bed around 1am, while I’ve already been asleep for three hours, often not drifting off until 4am, during which time he grinds his teeth. I found myself retreating to the spare room so frequently that I eventually proposed we make it our permanent arrangement. Both of us are grumpy without adequate sleep, so neither of us has an issue with how things are now.’
Despite their contentment, the couple has faced skepticism regarding their choice. Shelley states, ‘My mother finds it strange that we sleep in separate rooms, and when I mention it to my colleagues, their expressions reveal their disapproval. They don’t comprehend how a dedicated couple wouldn’t share a bed; one colleague insisted she would never allow her husband to sleep alone, implying it was unnatural. Nonetheless, I’m happy, and our relationship is thriving.’
She continues, ‘We still find ways to be intimate, engaging in sexual relations approximately every four to six weeks, which seems typical for couples who’ve been together for a while. We are deeply affectionate towards one another, so the location we sleep in hardly matters.’
The couple has each personalized their own spaces, with Shelley opting for a purple, feminine aesthetic while Alex prefers a simplified, bachelor-style décor. Shelley remarks, ‘We share a walk-in wardrobe in our third bedroom, and on Saturday evenings, we enjoy watching TV in Alex’s bed. It gives us the nostalgia of a dating couple heading back to his place, which is delightful. Sometimes I drift off there but typically wake up early to head back to my own bed for comfort.’
Alex shares that their arrangement has positively impacted his connection with Shelley. He claims to have never been happier with a partner and credits that to their decision to sleep separately. ‘A poor night’s sleep turns me into a grumpy bear the next day, irritable and snappy,’ he explains. ‘Shelley makes a clicking sound when she breathes at night, which feels torturous, and she blames me for grinding my teeth and being restless. We used to argue frequently about who was keeping the other awake when we shared a bed. Now, we hardly disagree — our snuggling time feels more meaningful as a result.’
It does appear that the romantic notion of couples spooning peacefully every evening is somewhat of a myth. Nevertheless, many individuals still harbor concerns that adopting separate sleeping arrangements might herald a gradual separation in their lives. Professor Ben Fletcher from the University of Hertfordshire has authored a relationship book titled *Flex — Do Something Different*. He expresses mixed feelings about the trend of sleeping apart, noting, ‘For people to remain alert at work, especially during these challenging times when job security is tenuous, undisturbed sleep is essential.
Furthermore, some couples may simply be physically incompatible due to issues like snoring or easily being disturbed. Those with young children may opt for sleeping in separate rooms to alternate responsibilities for attending to their kids while the other gets some uninterrupted rest.’Some sleep.
‘However, it’s crucial for couples to go to bed together at the day’s end. Even in the absence of sex, it’s about intimacy, lying side by side and conversing. Potentially, something — perhaps a level of closeness — may be lost from a relationship without the intimacy of sharing a bed at night.’
Really? Sydney and Phyllis Smith from Coventry recently celebrated their 75th wedding anniversary, revealing that separate beds were the unexpected key to their marital happiness. At ages 97 and 95, Sydney and Phyllis explained that the 40 years spent sleeping apart had actually brought them closer together.
Mr. and Mrs. Smith certainly aren’t alone. The Queen and Prince Philip maintain separate bedrooms — a steadfast tradition among the upper classes in Britain. Despite being married since 1947 and having four children, they reportedly never share a room. It seems they have set a precedent for their subjects.
Nicky Brindley and her husband Martin have developed an effective strategy to ensure they get adequate sleep without sacrificing intimacy. They sleep apart from Sunday to Thursday and reunite over the weekend — a routine that began three years ago. Living in Hook, Hampshire, their differing sleeping habits had previously kept them awake at night.
Nicky, 39, who works as an agency recruiter, shares: ‘I go to bed around 10pm and wake up at 6.30am. Martin, being a night owl, stays up past midnight and rises around 9am — two hours after I’ve already left for work. Additionally, I prefer to snuggle under a thick duvet since I can’t sleep when it’s cold, while Martin tends to be hot and insists on keeping the window open, even during freezing weather.’
The turning point was three years ago when Martin, 35, a company director, caught a bad cold and ended up sleeping in the spare room for a few nights. Nicky recalls, ‘We enjoyed more refreshing sleep alone than we did in the previous eight years of marriage, so I suggested we sleep apart on weekdays.’
Initially, she worried that Martin might take offense to her suggestion, but he readily accepted. Now, the couple enjoys sleeping together on weekends and holidays, allowing them to catch up on any lost rest. Nicky states, ‘From chatting with friends, I find that many couples sleep apart, and those who don’t might secretly wish they could.’
Their unique sleeping arrangements have led to a healthy and happy marriage in every sense. ‘Getting through a workday after a terrible night’s sleep is challenging — all you want to do is crawl back into bed,’ she expresses. ‘I want to perform my best at work, and being tired hinders my ability to think clearly. Now I can fully dedicate myself to my job. Martin’s need to be alert is even greater because his job is much more stressful.’
Martin remains pragmatic about their sleeping situation. ‘We’re lucky to have four bedrooms, so why endure the discomfort of sharing one?’ he explains. ‘When I’m tired, I find it difficult to concentrate fully at work. Sleeping apart hasn’t affected our sex life; in fact, I’d say it’s enhanced our relationship because we’re less fatigued and irritable after a good night’s sleep. Plus, it feels special to share a bed on weekends.
‘I love my wife just as much now as I did a decade ago. We value the time we have together because we’re both well-rested.’
by Susan Floyd
