Mummy memoirs suck

Book shelves are groaning with them.

I’m no snob and I love a flick through a voyeuristic gossip mag, but do I really need to be given a guided tour around a celeb’s (or celeb’s wife) womb and nursery every time there’s a baby on the way? Becoming a mum IS amazing, but it’s not unusual.

But even the most humdrum pregnancy now seems to be reason enough for celebs to get scribbling. Anyone would think they’re the only women on the planet it has ever happened to.

So are they pointless? Well…not necessarily.

I have no scientific evidence, but I’m just convinced that falling pregnant with your first child does something to your brain. No matter how many prams we’ve cooed into or how many mothers we’ve known in our lifetime, our minds wipe the slate clean and convince us that we are now the sole creators of the universe.

In truth, I think all new mums would write a book if they thought someone might read it. We’re so completely blown away by the whole experience, highs and lows, that we need to talk about it at great length. The process of watching the tummy grow with this alien thing (and having to contemplate squeezing it out) is totally life-altering.

These days, I can’t think of anything more dull than endless chats about the pros and cons of letting babies have dummies…cry it out…breast feed or bottle feed…I mean, I couldn’t give a shit quite honestly.

When I was pregnant there were no celebrity mummy memoirs, but I did devour every handbook I could get my mitts on. Most of them were crap. For example, do you pelvic floor exercises 400 times a day. Preferably while drinking a wheatgrass power shake…although, it’s true about the pelvic exercises…unless you want a bucket minge.

I know women have worried for months, because of an ertrant serving of sherry trifle at Aunt Doreen’s birthday party, or accidentally standing near a picture of someone smoking a cigarette.

But if a celeb pregnancy book gets you through it, then go and buy one…but please don’t bore the fuck out of everyone with it. Because most of us couldn’t care a less.

Remember, pregnancy is not an illness.

by Susan Floyd 


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