Typically, men first learn that their marriage is facing trouble unexpectedly and without any prior indication.
Often, the realization comes as ‘she doesn’t love me anymore’, followed by the woman articulating that there was no true connection… and perhaps there never truly was.
The man’s entire world feels chaotic, and in all honesty, he is at a loss about what to do next.
As is common for men finding themselves in such circumstances, there may have been an underlying sense of tension at home, yet it was generally dismissed as just a ‘rough patch’ that would eventually resolve.
According to divorce statistics, women initiate 68 percent of petitions, while only 4 percent of them are started by men.
The date of January 3rd has garnered the nickname ‘divorce day’ among lawyers, as it marks the peak time for couples who have struggled during the holiday season to finally reach out to lawyers for a divorce.
Based on my experiences with various individuals over the years, it seems that men are not only hesitant to conclude a relationship, but they often fail to recognize that there is an issue at all.
This is not to suggest that any woman takes the choice to seek a divorce lightly; even after enduring years of dissatisfaction, it is always the last option.
Thus, when they ultimately muster the bravery to announce ‘I don’t love you’, they rarely anticipate the shock it may provoke.
However, it nearly always does surprise him. By that stage, the husband’s frantic efforts to mend the situation often come too late.
Yet, the warning signs are frequently present if one chooses to look for them. A wife might engage in behaviors she believes her husband desires, suppressing her own emotions and opinions in an effort to maintain harmony. This suppression, however, leads to complications.
By numbing negative emotions like anger or sadness, individuals inadvertently also dull their positive emotions, such as love.
Once she expresses her dissatisfaction, a woman needs to free herself from her feelings, which can potentially enhance the relationship.
Ideally, preventing the relationship from reaching the ‘therapy phase’ in the first place is preferable. This involves dismissing the misconception that relationships are solely the responsibility of women.
Men might be socialized to occasionally present flowers, chocolates, or lavish dinners, yet they often overlook the importance of monitoring the well-being of their marriage.
They tend to believe that if a genuine problem existed, their wives would communicate it and they could resolve it. Consequently, the underlying discontent remains unaddressed.
By the time a concern is voiced, she isn’t saying ‘You’re taking me for granted’ or ‘We should go out more’ but rather: ‘I want a divorce.’
Men often find themselves ill-prepared emotionally to cope with this, as the one person they usually turn to for advice… their wife… is no longer available.
While women have close friends with whom they can discuss their thoughts and feelings, men typically have friends who actively avoid such intimate conversations.
I understand that men believe they listen, but at times, it’s crucial that you really pay attention.
This can be more challenging than it seems, as men instinctively seek immediate solutions. They have a desire to alleviate their discomfort without delay.
However, this quick-fix mindset can lead women to feel that their struggles are not being given adequate attention.
The wife can also facilitate the process. The moment to address your concerns is when the relationship is harmonious, as he will be most open at that time.
Calmly articulate that you are exhausted and losing hope that any change will occur.
The statement ‘I don’t love you anymore’ may be difficult to hear, but it is something he will comprehend. If the situation is not entirely dire, you might say: ‘I love you, but I’m not in love with you.’
This will present your husband with a final opportunity to accept his part in salvaging your marriage. It is far preferable to falling in line with the many women today lining up outside solicitors’ offices to file for divorce.
by Susan Floyd
