My 19-year-old daughter has been in a relationship with her boyfriend for nearly a year, and they’re planning to visit us for a long weekend in February. She has mentioned that she would prefer to stay in the spare room, which has a double bed.
I realize this might sound overly traditional, but I find myself feeling uneasy about the situation. While I understand my daughter is likely no longer a virgin, I would rather not have her intimate life become a topic of conversation during breakfast.
Additionally, her father would be utterly outraged by this idea. I’m also concerned about the message it sends to her younger sister. After sharing my worries with my daughter, she has now said that she might not come at all. Is my reaction truly unreasonable?
If one cannot establish boundaries in their own home, then where can they? I’m joking, but the humor hides a serious issue. This subject pertains to your household and is where you set the guidelines.
You are not prohibiting your daughter from sharing a bed with her boyfriend in her own space, just as you wouldn’t impose your views on how she should vote.
Certainly, there are mothers who permit their adult daughters to share beds with their boyfriends, but I don’t see them as being more ‘reasonable’; they simply adopt a more liberal perspective. Some concerns, like this, are driven by personal conscience.
My mother held your stance and would never have considered letting any of her five children share a bed with a partner until they were a) engaged to marry, or b) in one brother’s situation, had lived together for over eight years and were expecting a baby.
In contrast, my in-laws insisted on placing twin beds in the room for my husband and me, even after we were married!
Those who find this too prudish should remember that most children are quite embarrassed by any hint that their parents have a sexual life. Honestly, I believe it’s tough for many families to visualize their relatives in a sexual context.
Most of us recall feeling just like we did at 12, watching an older sibling kiss some teenager and thinking… ‘Yuck!’… yet the reality is, today’s 14-year-olds are yesterday’s 18/19-year-olds.
However, it would be unrealistic to ignore that many children clash with their parents regarding bed-sharing with their partners.
One friend became so furious at 26 when her boyfriend was made to stay in her brother’s room that she insisted on joining him that night, making a point to walk out of her room the next morning in a negligee while her mother was headed to the bathroom.
Now, at 43, she admits that her actions were simply “an immature continuation of teenage rebellion” and acknowledges her parents’ perspective since having children of her own.
She declares, ‘I don’t want to be one of those trendy moms who encourages her daughter to shack up with every passing boy.’
She also admits her husband might very well “stand guard at our daughter’s bedroom door with a shotgun.”
Among my broader circle of friends, it appears that parents of boys often feel more at ease about joint sleeping arrangements than those with daughters. I suspect this is due to fewer concerns regarding unwanted pregnancies.
Most parents I know who have dealt with situations similar to yours have sought out a compromise.
One mother of three explains about her 22-year-old son, “It’s difficult for him to come home now that he has a job in Sydney, so I don’t want to push him away by being overly strict, although I’m not liberal enough to give him the double bed. Instead, I set up a camp bed in his old room, so he’s with his girlfriend, but it doesn’t feel like I’m running a love hotel.”
Numerous people suggested this method, and it’s what I plan to implement when one of my sons first wants to bring a girl home. The advantage of the ‘Z-bed’ option is that it maintains a level of dignity for both parties… the parents can uphold their ethical stance while the child enjoys some flexibility.
That said, I do believe there comes a point where this arrangement becomes inappropriate: you can’t just keep putting thirty-something professionals on fold-up beds. Also, if your adult children have been living together for some time, it seems rather unkind to treat them like casual partners.
In-law situations have become less conventional these days, and you wouldn’t want to create estrangement with someone who could potentially become the parent of your future grandchildren.
So, if your daughter holds firm on her decision for the February visit, consider investing in an extra bed (if your husband’s health can handle it), as it will likely serve its purpose during both your children’s forays into romance.
If this solution feels too harsh for your determined daughter, then she is the one being unreasonable.
by Susan Floyd
