For 20 years, US psychologist John Gottman, a highly respected expert in relationships, has been investigating what contributes to the longevity of marriages.
He has identified four warning signs that suggest a serious relationship is on the brink of disaster.
Pay attention…consider yourself warned…
1. Criticism: While it’s normal to express complaints about your partner’s behavior, it becomes problematic when statements like, “Honestly, you spend too much money,” evolve into, “You’re such a selfish person…you only think about yourself.” This shift indicates trouble.
Criticizing someone’s behavior differs fundamentally from attacking their character.
2. Contempt: Moving beyond mere criticism, this involves deliberately insulting or verbally abusing your partner. It’s one thing to call your partner selfish; it’s much worse to label them as a stupid, irresponsible pig.
When one partner starts throwing insults, the other is likely to retaliate in kind.
3. Defensiveness: At this stage, both partners typically begin to feel defensive. Each partner perceives themselves as the victim, convinced that they are innocent while the other is being unreasonable.
4. Stone-Walling: Worn out from ongoing arguments, both partners may eventually cease the discussion altogether. If he yells at you, you might respond with, “Yeah…you’re right…you always are,” and simply grab a book. Similarly, if you instigate a fight, he may react by saying something akin and then leave the room.
If this resonates with you…consider scheduling a session with a counselor now.
by Susan Floyd
