Your relationship with your boyfriend has lasted for two years, and while he seems ideal for you in many respects, there’s one issue. He is very loving, yet in the bedroom, he appears less engaged and doesn’t seem to share the same levels of passion you experience. He has confessed that he finds your intensity a bit overwhelming and feels intimidated by your desire to make love multiple times in succession (which he never reciprocates). How significant is this issue, and can it be resolved?
I frequently contemplate whether two individuals can truly share the same experience of sexual passion. The multitude of psychological, physiological, emotional, and for some, spiritual factors involved makes it nearly impossible to accurately compare one person’s sexual experience to another’s.
Who can determine that the individual experiencing an exhilarating, euphoric surge of physical intensity is having a more fulfilling sexual encounter than someone who feels a deep, albeit quietly affirming, sense of value and reassurance? Some individuals are fully present, alert, and engaged when they are intimate, while others may retreat into their thoughts, perhaps indulging in sexual fantasies.
There is no definitive right or wrong, but couples often face challenges if either partner feels that their approach to intimacy is somehow unacceptable. This seems to be the predicament you and your boyfriend are facing. There is a degree of judgment about each other’s sexual styles: he perceives you as overwhelming, while you see him as lacking in passion.
If you and your partner connect on most levels, it seems likely that you can learn to provide reassurance to each other in the bedroom — but both of you need to communicate your concerns more openly.
It appears that your boyfriend’s reaction to your sexual appetite has left you feeling both insatiable and unfeminine. This is not uncommon. A friend once shared that her partner called her “the greediest woman I know,” suggesting that any form of desire in women is somehow objectionable.
There continues to be a pervasive belief that men who desire a lot of sex are the norm, whereas women exhibiting the same level of desire are considered unnatural.
Nonetheless, Mother Nature has a role in encouraging women to reproduce (even if that is not a conscious aim), and we can be driven by our hormones and biological instincts just as much as any man.
It sounds as though you were raised in an environment devoid of cultural taboos that might inhibit female desire, and as such, you feel free to express yourself in bed. However, the same may not be true for your partner.
While it may be a stereotype to claim that all British men are repressed, certain national clichés exist for a reason. Many British men tend to be more reserved, and it’s important to recognize that they may experience emotions with similar intensity as you do, but struggle to articulate them. When he says, “that was good,” it may genuinely mean “mind-blowing.”
Your boyfriend appears to be more insecure than you are, especially since he finds your enthusiasm for repeated intimacy in one session to be “daunting.”
You should seek to understand the reasons behind his present limitations with compassion and gently encourage him to step outside of his comfort zone so that both his and your needs can be satisfied.
Of course, it may simply be that your partner isn’t naturally inclined to experience high levels of sexual desire; many individuals openly admit they aren’t consumed by lust or passion.
The key question here is: can you both create an environment where you feel free to be yourselves without guilt or blame?
The best sexual experiences occur when both partners find fulfillment, even if their desires are markedly different.
If you can achieve this equilibrium with your boyfriend, you will have a truly enviable sex life.
by Susan Floyd
