Dear Lily,
At the age of 30, I find myself believing that I have fallen for the woman next door, who is nearly 45 years my senior. Despite her resemblance to an elephant’s scrotum, I feel a thrill every time she takes out the rubbish, and I catch a glimpse of her impressive bosom straining against her cardigan. It’s reminiscent of Diana Dors returning from the dead. Is there a serious problem with me?
Lily says – There are times when my parents, in their selfishness and neglect, decide to have my granny come over for an evening of babysitting. I absolutely loathe these occasions because my granny has an overwhelming odor of urine. Additionally, she insists on spending hours telling tedious tales about the past and about deceased individuals named Edna and Dolly. I suspect that my granny is at least 200 years old and is likely to pass away soon. While I don’t genuinely wish for her death, it might not be the worst outcome, as it would mean I could escape watching Dad’s Army ever again. Therefore, I would advise steering clear of your neighbor. Although she may seem like an alluring seductress from a distance, she might end up making you eat semolina or knitting you an embarrassing balaclava for school.
Hope that helps!
