Dear Lily – How do I get ahead?


Dear Lily,

Although I’m great at my job, my boss is always favouring other staff and passing me over for promotion. Short of oral, I don’t really know what I’m supposed to do to get ahead. Do you think there’s any strategy I can adopt which doesn’t involve me putting his wrinkly, 50-year-old testicles in my mouth?

Lily says – It’s difficult to be best in the class when there are so many others competing for attention, but you must face this struggle with steadfast determination if you are to win. If your boss is anything like my teacher you simply need to learn a few unspoken rules of engagement, and you’ll soon make progress in the boardroom.

It goes without saying that you should NEVER shout out when the boss asks a question. Only idiotic boys do that and they invariably end up on the naughty table with the other morons. However, simply raising your hand in the air does not guarantee your selection either. You need to augment your raised arm by gradually lifting your whole body until you are almost kneeling up on your chair, whilst simultaneously pulling your best pleading face and making anxious squeaking noises to direct the boss’s gaze in your direction. Providing you can get your arm higher than everyone else’s, you’ve got a good chance of being picked. If someone else beats you to it then simply point higher and squeak louder next time.
Hope that helps!


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