Dear Lily – How do I become a lesbian?



Dear Lily,

It’s been so long since someone rang my bell I’m starting to wonder if I’ll ever have another orgasm that doesn’t involve four AA batteries. All the men at work are either married, gay or potential serial killers, except for Brian in accounts, and I’ve already shagged him and discovered his horrific affliction. If I wasn’t such an aggressive atheist I’d join a nunnery, so instead I thought I’d become a lesbian, but I am not quite sure how to go about this. I quite like Constant Craving by KD Lang: do you think I’ve got what it takes?

Lily says – If you think about it, hanging around with girls is best because they know their way around a skipping rope, appreciate the value of a good quality tea set and don’t give you a chinese burn when you won’t show them what colour knickers you’re wearing. Plus they don’t smell of farts and touch themselves in rude places and continually make stupid laser gun sounds with their mouths. Actually, I think I must be a lesbian myself because I hate all the boys in my class and I hold hands with Angelica Watson all the time in the playground. The only thing I’m not sure about is my big sister told me that to be a real lesbian you need to lick carpet. I tried licking the rug in my bedroom but nothing much happened except I ended up with loads of fluff and an old toenail in my mouth. Aside from that, the only problem with being a lesbian, as far as I can see, is that your favourite colour is not allowed to be pink, and you can’t wear any lovely pretty dresses and you have to have an ugly man haircut and a fat back. However, if you think about it, this isn’t so bad if it means you get to avoid having bogies wiped on your school jumper all the time. As far as I’m concerned, as long as it means I can still marry Justin Bieber then I reckon being a lesbian is an excellent idea.

Hope that helps!


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