Dear Lily,
Since it’s been quite a while since anyone has rung my bell, I’m beginning to doubt whether I will ever experience another orgasm that doesn’t involve four AA batteries. The men at work are predominantly married, gay, or potential serial killers, with the exception of Brian from accounts, and I’ve already had my encounter with him, only to discover his terrible affliction. If I were not such a staunch atheist, I might consider joining a nunnery. Instead, I thought about becoming a lesbian, but I am uncertain about how to pursue this. I do enjoy “Constant Craving” by KD Lang; do you think I have what it takes?
Lily says – When you think about it, spending time with girls is advantageous since they understand how to navigate a skipping rope, appreciate a quality tea set, and don’t inflict a Chinese burn on you when you won’t reveal what color your underwear is. Moreover, they don’t emit fart odors, touch themselves inappropriately, or make nonsensical laser gun noises with their mouths. In fact, I suspect I might be a lesbian myself because I dislike all the boys in my class and frequently hold hands with Angelica Watson in the playground. The one thing I’m puzzled by is what my big sister mentioned about needing to lick carpet to truly be a lesbian. I attempted to lick my bedroom rug, but nothing significant occurred—except for ending up with a mouthful of fluff and an old toenail. Aside from this, the only downside I see to being a lesbian is that you cannot pick pink as your favorite color, wear lovely pretty dresses, have a bad haircut like a man, or have a wide back. However, when you weigh this against avoiding having boogies wiped on your school jumper constantly, it’s not that terrible. As long as I can still marry Justin Bieber, I believe that being a lesbian is a fantastic idea.
Hope that helps!