Dear Lily,
It seems one of my so-called ‘friends’ has taken to publicly dissing me on Facebook and Twitter, and I refuse to let her get away with it. This person is all sweetness and light when we meet in person, but online she’s tweeting about how I don’t even know what day it is or posting status updates expressing her hope that she doesn’t have to sit with me at lunch, claiming the smell of piss ruins her minestrone. Is her audacity not astonishing? To complicate things, we only have one computer here, which she monopolizes, preventing me from seeing what she’s saying about me. I’ve asked a staff member if I could borrow a laptop, but they just give me a smile and tell me to take my medication. How do I deal with this duplicitous elderly cyberbitch before it wrecks my reputation for good?
Lily says – In situations like this, you should set aside social media and return to the fundamentals with a good old-fashioned playground fight. Spread the word after morning assembly about an impending showdown, and by lunchtime, you’ll find half of the school gathered in a circle in the playground, eager for some action. Be sure to take off your tie and any valuables like marbles, pipe cleaners, or conkers to avoid losing them in the chaos. Start the altercation by grabbing your opponent’s jumper, swinging them around a few times to throw them off balance, and then execute a swift push to their back, sending them crashing onto the concrete, which will likely result in a nasty graze on their hands and knees. At this point, a quick getaway is essential because the teacher will have caught wind of the commotion, spilled his coffee, and be making a beeline toward you, furious. The best hiding spot is behind the portacabins where Stacey Diddle entertains boys by showing them her pants. With any luck, the teacher will nab someone else or become distracted by something on the ground, giving you the chance to fight another day.
Hope that helps!
