Dear Lily – My wife is a bootfaced old hag


Dear Lily,

I’ve been married to my wife for nearly twenty years and we have two wonderful children together. Regrettably, I seem to have accidentally had sex with a woman at work and I am worried my wife might find out. The main catalyst for this unfortunate situation is that my wife is a dried-up, bootfaced old hag who spends most of her time arguing with me and complaining about my attitude, whereas my colleague is a nubile and leggy strumpet who smells of vanilla, has a chest like a bouncy castle, and lets me ride her doggy-style. As a red blooded man I feel there is little I could have done to prevent this occurrence, and yet I can’t help but feel slightly guilty. What should I do to stop this creeping feeling of regret?

Lily says – You seem to be experiencing a classic Freudian struggle between ego and superego, much like that which I experienced recently when I sabotaged Melissa Riley’s eleventh birthday party. On the one hand, I felt bad for telling everyone that Melissa’s family are riddled with scabies and her dad is on the sex register. On the other hand, she should have thought first before pressing down so hard on my new felt tip pens and ruining at least seven of them, including the pink one which was my favourite. Hopefully she finally understood her callousness when she found herself playing pass-the-parcel alone, with no little friends to share her custom-made Barbie princess cake.
In the end, you have to remind yourself people like Melissa and your wife bring it on themselves, and that you are only reacting in a reasonable manner to a situation beyond your control.
Hope that helps!