Dear Lily – I have an embarrassing problem


Dear Lily,

Since the birth of my first child, I have developed a rather intimate and embarrassing problem, and I am too ashamed to visit the doctor. Before I fell pregnant I was vaguely aware that having a baby might have some physical side-effects, but it seems that squeezing out a head and shoulders has seriously knackered my flaps. I use to pride myself on my risqué collection of split-crotch panties. Nowadays you’ll usually find me hobbling around the feminine products in Woolworths with a large piss-sodden pad wedged under my clacker.

All I want is for things to go back to the way they were before the birth. Please help.

Lily says – Once, in assembly, Mrs Gregory was telling us a parable from the Bible about the Prodigal Son. I think she was trying to tell us that you can be as naughty as you like and you’ll never get in trouble with your mum and dad. Then suddenly all the kids at the front started screaming and jumping up and I could see on the floor was a big stream of yellow wee coming from Oliver French. We all got to go outside and have extra playtime instead of hearing more dubious advice from Mrs Gregory, and Oliver French was taken to the welfare office.

It sounds like you maybe have the same problem as Oliver French, so try to get over your embarrassment and go and see the doctor as soon as possible. Otherwise, you might end up wearing brown lost property pants and sitting alone on the naughty bench until your mummy comes to fetch you.

Hope that helps!


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